Twisty Tale of Documents

Rajan’s flashback 5 years ago at the passport office. Why is it written now? The passport office has changed its ways, but other government offices still function in this very similar manner.

Rajan: Sir, Sir please I will not be coming to work today. Sir, there is a huge line at the passport office.

Rajan’s Boss: Rajan this is just not done. There is so much work pending at the office. You said you will go to the passport office at 9 am and come to office post lunch. You should have planned your day properly.

Rajan: (Looks around the passport office and thinks planned, how, how to plan). Sir, I had done an online interview appointment and I thought I just had to walk in and the work will be done in a jiffy (how did I ever think that?) but everyone in India seems to have done an online appointment and they have called everyone at the same time or maybe everyone’s time has merged into one, so I have to stand in a long queue.

Boss: What rubbish are you ranting off. Can’t believe that we all in India are wasting so much of productive labour time.

Rajan’s mother calls: Beta (son) where are you, hot lunch is ready. You said you will come home for lunch on your way to office.

Rajan: Mom, please keep down the phone. I cannot come for lunch. Keep the food in the fridge. I will have it for dinner.

Rajan’s mother: Beta, what…

Rajan hangs up on his mother.

Rajan: What are you saying!!! I need to get 4 copies of my pan card. I was told only 3 copies. Oh my God. I don’t have an extra one. What should I do?

Rakesh: (Man standing before Rajan in the queue): There is a Xerox guy across the road. Run and get the Xerox from him. I will keep your place in the queue.

Rajan:  Ok. Thank you. Thank you so much (I now learn that all suffering Indians help each other).

Rajan is seen running across the road with all the papers and his files in his hand (he left his backpack at the passport office so he could be more agile). One paper flies off. He runs to catch it. A BEST bus, driving in its own Maharaja (King) style, on purpose, gives a strong brake right in front of Rajan’s left hand. Rajan’s heart beat stops for a moment. There is yelling and screaming. Rajan takes few deep breaths and reaches the Xerox shop, panting and sweating, only to find a huge crowd there.

Rajan is pushing his hand through the spaces between the many heads and hands at the Xerox shop. Rajan manages to thrust his paper almost into the mouth of the guy at the Xerox counter. Finally, one copy is thrown into his hand. He catches the paper, almost falling off the platform, into the pavement. He rushes back to the passport office.

On reaching the passport office, Rajan is confused on where he was standing and who was the man in front of him. He is unable to find him. He quietly squeezes into a bit of a large space, which he feels is approximately close to where he was standing, between 2 men he sees. There is nothing that the Indian eye cannot see. The people standing behind yell and scream and the brawl goes on. Finally, the man Rakesh, who was standing in front of Rajan, hears the brawl, spots Rajan and calls out to him. He explains to the people that he was indeed standing behind him. All is quiet.

At 4 pm Rajan finally reaches the small passport window and squeezes his set of documents through the small window.

Tripathiji the man at the counter goes through Rajan’s documents. Why is this Pan copy not been attested, he asks Rajan. He throws back the paper at Rajan through the small window. It flies down. When Rajan goes to pick the paper, the 4 pens in his pocket fall down. He is scrambling to get them amongst the many legs which don’t move even an inch to allow him to get them (I thought suffering Indians help each other?).

Tripathiji: Next person. This guy is taking too much time. The man behind Rajan wastes no time and shoves his set of documents into the small passport window.

Rajan: Sir, Sir, I am giving the signed copy. He hands over the attested paper to Tripathiji.

Tripathiji: He looks at the documents again. This birth certificate does not have your father’s signature. Where is the signature?

Rajan: Sir they didn’t tell me that.

Tripathiji: I am telling you that. He throws the entire set of documents through the small window.

The man behind Rajan shoves him aside and submits his set of papers.

Rajan’s best friend Rohan is calling

Rohan: Rajan what happened. Why are you crying? Even when you failed the IIT entrance exam you did not cry. What happened?

Rajan explains the situation.

Rohan: Listen. Do you know to do a copy of your father’s signature? Just do it man. Who cares. Your father gave you birth so you don’t have to bother. I mean your mother gave you birth with your father, but that was your father right.

Rajan: How can I do that? That is forgery.

Mohan: Yaar just do it. With so much more serious forgery happening around in India, no one cares about this childish forgery. Don’t waste time.

Rajan copies the signature of his father as best as he can.

He rushes back to the counter

Rajan: Sir, sir please accept. I got my father’s signature on the birth certificate.

Tripathiji glares at him: You live nearby?

Rajan: (very confidently). Yes Sir. My father sits in an office 15 minutes away. I rushed there and got his signature. (Oh Lord, I have never lied in my life. Please forgive me). (But how am I able to lie so confidently even in my first life attempt at lying, thinks Rajan. “Desperation makes a man confident”, that is a good quote I must not forget to quote on WhatsApp).

Tripathiji: Ok show me the documents set. What is this? (uttered with grimace and irritation). You have not even clipped your papers properly. He goes through the documents for the third time. Where is your ration card?

Rajan: (Raising his voice just a bit above normal level). Sir they said if I have all the other documents like Pan card, Passport, I don’t need a copy of the ration card.

Tripathiji: Are you trying to tell me what is needed and not needed? You are trying to act smart with me? I won’t accept these documents without a copy of the ration card. He throws back the documents set at Rajan.

Rajan’s boss calls: Rajan where is that excel sheet I asked you to prepare and give me today? What, you do not complete it? Dare you ask me for another leave again this month.

Rajan’s mother calls: Beta, I am so worried. At least come for tea, beta. I am worried for you.  You have not eaten anything the whole day.

The passport office closes. Rajan leaves looking like a man who has lost all his possessions and CREDIBILITY!! Despite being a true citizen of India for the last 40 years. 

Postscript – This piece has been inspired (maybe not the right word) by the experience of friends who visited the Mumbai University for Convocation certificates and such others, the Charity Commissioner’s office at Greater Mumbai where they will give you an appointment and call you back as many times they want because they feel Indians are really doing nothing and everyone lives close by. Besides Government hotlines which remain cold lines for days. If they pick up your call in the first attempt and after picking up, they hear your problem, you are born under a good star.

 

Twisty Tale of Religion

Sheela: Mother, where are you going all dressed up?

S Mother: Sheela I am going to the Temple. Today is a very big day. It is Mahashivratri. Why don’t you come with me. At this time in the morning, there will not be much crowd in the temple.

Sheela: Mom catch me going to the temple! Catch me being seen by my friends in the temple doing idol worship! Mom how did you’ll get into this belief in idol worship?

S Mother: Very simply put for your generation, every place of worship has a certain strength around it, a good energy, a clean positive spirit, a good community well-being, which gets imbibed within you. By the way how do you’ll get into pub worship?

Sheela: Mom, when did you get so smart. Anyway, you are comparing apples and oranges. You know Mom…. (phone rings). It is Hasina. Mom we will leave the debate for later.

Sheela: Hi Hasina. How are you? Listen just come down in 5 minutes. I have something very important to tell you.

Hasina (over the phone): Sheela, today is Friday. I have Namaz and I will not be able to come today.

Sheela: Oh ok, see you tomorrow then.

S Mother: Where is Hasina going?

Sheela: Mom she is going to the Mosque. Today is Friday. For Namaz

S Mother: I guess there are no idols inside the mosque. So she must have agreed to go.

Sheela says nothing. Pretends to not hear.

Audrey: Hey Sheela, lets go to the mall this weekend. I haven’t gone shopping for so long.

Sheela: Sunday afternoon I have my dance class and evening I am going to my uncle’s place for dinner. Ok lets go in the morning around 10.30

Audrey: Yes that will be great. See you then on Sunday morning.

Sheela: Mother, Mother, don’t tell me to help you in the kitchen Sunday morning. I am going shopping with Audrey. Yippie. After so long.

Mother: Not even a Sunday morning you can keep time aside to help me with the house chores. There is so much cleaning work to be done.

Sheela:  Wait mom… Audrey is calling. Hi Audrey.

Audrey: Sheela how could I forget. And after knowing me for so many years how did it not strike you. I never miss Sunday Church mass. And this Sunday is special. It is the week before Christmas. So it will be longer till around 12.00. I can’t come shopping this weekend.

Sheela: Ok then we will go next weekend

S Mother: What happened?

Sheela sheepishly: Audrey is going to Church for Sunday morning mass.

Twisty Tale of Toilets!

Warning – This is a shitty article so read it at your own risk.

Meghna: Hi Laila. What are you doing?

Laila: Hey Meghna. There you are. I was waiting for you.

I am doing my yoga exercises. This is known as the full squat in yoga. I am 40 years old now. I can’t believe that once upon a time I was doing this so easily. Now I can’t sit even halfway down. Sadhguruji says one must do it every morning for a minute or two.

Meghna: Oh yes I am so familiar with this pose. It is etched in my memory forever. I have seen a whole crowd doing this pose out in the open fields each day for over a decade.

Laila:  Where? Which Yoga Course? And they do it in the open?

Meghna: Yes. When I used to travel to college which was at Sion in Mumbai. I had to pass Dharavi slum area. So you see so many of them doing this pose. Many a times there would be traffic. So my bus or rickshaw would be standing still for 5 minutes. I observed, they would just sit there in this pose for 5 minutes and then it would come out.

Laila: Yuck. Yuck. You are ugly. Why are you telling me all these dirty details.

Meghna: Ha, Ha, What is dirty. We are all made of shit and we have to throw our shit out every day, otherwise we will stink.

Laila: My God, what is happened to the prim and proper Meghna. Lets change the topic. What would you like to drink?

Meghna: Since we are on it, why not try the drink our former Prime Minister Morarji Desai used to have often?

Laila: Meghna stop it. I’ll get you some orange juice. Hey and you made me forget why I called you. I bought a new flat! My first own flat! It is on this same road. My big news got covered under your shitty talks.

Mehgna: Oh very sorry. That’s great news. Wow, your own flat. A big, big congratulations. Lets go and see the flat.

Laila: Yes, lets go.

Mehgna: Wow. The flat is cute. Nice and cosy. And you have already started some renovations.

Laila: Yes it is a very old flat. Maybe more than 50 years old. A senior couple owned it. Now they have moved to their children’s place and they decided to sell it. I would often meet them during my evening walks. I had told them I was looking to buy a place. So I was the first one they informed and they sold it to me at a decent price.

Mehgna: That’s so nice of them. So what is this work you are doing here? What are they breaking and making? What was there earlier?

Laila: Oh that was the Indian style toilet. There were two toilets. One Indian and one western style. The house interiors have not been touched for over 50 years.

Mehgna: So what are you doing with the Indian toilet?

Laila: What else? Breaking it and converting it to western style toilet. Who uses the Indian style toilet nowadays?

Meghna: The full squat. You could have done the practice inside the toilet. The shit would come out nice and smooth.

Laila:  Oh my Meghna…. We are back to our shit.

 

Twisty Tale of Redevelopment

 

Meeting on with the real estate developer and resident members of the society. For convenience we will now say D for Developer and RM for Resident Member.

 

D: We have good news for all of you. We have decided to not only have marble flooring in the lobby of the building but the living room of each flat will also now have marble flooring.

RMs: Clapping, thumping on the table, cheering.

RM Sheela: Sir what about the trees?

D: What about them?

RM Naina: Sir the 10 trees in the society which are more than 40 years old, how will we ensure they are protected.

D: Do not worry about trees. We will be cutting down the trees and replanting.

RM Sheela: Sir replanting those 10 trees again?

D: Not 10 trees, 30 trees

RMs : Clapping, cheering, thumping on the tables.

RM Sheela: That is so nice sir. We will have more trees. But sir how will you keep those 10 trees alive till you finish the construction.

D: We will be planting 30 new trees.

RM Naina : Oh and will those trees be the original real ones.

RMs:  Sir we are wasting too much time on trees. Let us continue on other important matters.

D: Now another good news. For the woman of the house. We will be having a separate exclusive garbage bin area outside the kitchen so you won’t get the smells of the garbage.

RMs :  Clapping, cheering, thumping on the tables.

RM Naina whispering to Sheela (for the woman of the house!!!)

RM Naina: Sir won’t it be cumbersome for the woman of the house to walk outside the kitchen and throw the garbage?

D: The woman of the house needs exercise, ha, ha.

RM Sheela: Sir what about the wet and dry garbage?

D: What about them? You will continue as you are doing now, have separate bins for them.

RM Sheela: Sir when I was staying in my friend’s house in New York some years ago, they had a great system where each resident, throws the garbage collected in an environment friendly bag, down a chute which is at one corner of each floor. The garbage men collect it from down below. This is so convenient, a much cleaner system and saves us from keeping our bins outside, waiting for the man to collect and many times we are not at home when he comes.

RM Sukunthi whispering to Malathi : She just wants to show off she was in New York. RM Malathi : So true.

D: Well then you may have to sell your flat here and buy one in New York. We don’t have that system here.

RM Naina: How can you be so rude sir?

RM Sukunthi: He is stating a fact. Please let us move on.

D: Another big news. Now we will have central water heating system where you don’t need to have those big geysers in your bathroom or attic for hot water.

RMs:  Clapping, cheering, thumping on the tables.

RM Naina: Sir what about solar heating?

D: What about it? We will have some solar energy but can’t have too much as the solar panels will take a lot of space on the terrace. You need a big open terrace for your parties and get-togethers. Am I right members?

RMs: Yes, yes sir, please don’t crowd the terrace with unnecessary things.

D: Now the big news. We will be having an exclusive park for the dogs.

RMs: They can’t control their joy. Everyone standing, laughing, cheering, thumping the tables.

D: ok, ok relax, lets continue.

RM Sheela: Sir what about a small exercise gym in the garden for senior citizens. Many doctors are suggesting that senior citizens must do some cycling on a stationary cycle, some weights, stretching exercises to keep their muscles toned.

D: We will see if we have space for that.

D: Now another good news. We were earlier keeping the facility for air-conditioning only in the bedrooms but now we have decided to keep the facility in the living rooms also considering the Indian summer heat.

RMs:  Clapping, cheering, thumping on the tables.

RM Naina: Sir are we not keeping provision for nets on the window?

RMs: No, No we don’t need nets. They look so dirty and who has the time to keep cleaning them.

RM Sheela: But during the day and especially during the night we have to close all the windows and it will get suffocating. How can we sleep within closed windows? The net is a good system to bring in fresh air and oxygen.

D: You have the air-conditioning for that. Switch it on. Ha, Ha.

D: Ok now the big, big news. In addition to the monthly payment of Rs 60,000 to each member, we will also be giving a lumpsum of Rs 1 crore to each member.

RMs: The chairs are empty. Many members have fallen off their chair.

PS: Majority of the members are of the opinion that Sheela and Naina have gone senile.

 

 

Twisty Tale of Colours

 

Chris: Hey Blackie

Muthu: Hey Whitie

Chris:  You wearing white shirt, looks too white on you.

Muthu: You wearing black shirt, looks too black on you.

Chris: World has become very colourful.

Muthu: Yes from black and white televisions to colour TV

Chris : From black and white photos to colour photos

Muthu: From white money to now black money. Too much black, black in our country

Chris:  Yes black has buried the white. Black rules.

Muthu: Yellow colour also rules.

Chris:  Yellow?

Muthu:  Yes Yellow journalism.

Chris:   No Pink journalism.

Muthu: No Yellow.

Chris: More Pink.

Muthu: Like you, in the Pink of health, ha, ha

Chris: Social media, what colour?

Muthu:  That comes in all colours – pink, yellow, red, green, orange.

Chris:  Black and White?

Muthu: That is buried deep, deep somewhere. You cannot see it now. We both make black and white. They will not like us.